A letter from Max

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your letter. I am really, honestly happy to hear, that you feel good.  It really makes me feel a bit easier. I wish I could simply say the same thing about me, but sadly it is not that "simple" in my case.

I can not say, that I feel good, because I have no idea how do I actually feel. And even this statement is not completely true, since I can identify a lot of different feelings chasing around in me as the merry-go-round of my thoughts keeps spinning like a turbine in the strong autumn winds, but I would not be able to point out one feeling, that I would be happy to call the "dominant one".

Sometimes, when I think about the future, I feel fear. I am afraid that we will never gonna find eachother again, and this fear usually slowly turns into sorrow, shame and remorse, because I feel that I should have done much-much better. One of my greatest fears is that you are going to forget that was good, that everything will slowly fade away until you will not be looking for a way back anymore. My mind is telling me that it will not happen, but my soul is just very difficult to persuade.

Some other times - especially when I get reminded somehow that you actually feel better now, and that you are pulling together yourself a little bit - I feel that it was maybe a good decision after all. In the end, I want you to be happy, that is why I was fighting for, during all this time, so I try to take comfort of the thought that at least now, you feel good.

Yet on other occasions, I find myself wondering; what do I do now? What do I expect? On what fundations do I start to rebuild my life? After all, for a long time now, I have based all my thoughts on Us. I was always assuming, that you are going to be there with me. Is it going to happen? I have told you, that I am going to wait for you, but are you going to come? What if you eventually find someone, who is on the right place in the right time? There most be better people out there than me.

And what do I do with all the plans that we came up with together? At least, for this question, I have sort of an answer which says: "You have a lot to improve on yourself, little monkey. Lets take care about those things first, and everything else can wait." 

But all these questions raise even more questions such as: is it really a good thing, that I tell you all about these matters? Is it really gonna help you in coming into terms with yourself? Am I doing the right thing now?

You wanted to know, how do I do. I honestly don't know, but I think, that eventually, I will clear my thoughts and figure out what to do. Do not fear for me! As always, I shall take care of myself.

I wish you well, Mary,
Max Horowitz