A letter from mary

Dear Max,

I always say that one can not make a mistake in his or her life. It is because from every mistake you can learn something that makes you a better man.

I had to realize  two things about this statement. One: I was too fallen apart for too much time to say honestly that it is part of my philosophy - and I would like to change this. Two: when you do something - well that might be a mistake. It stops being a mistake when you are strong enough to learn from it. And this whole thing only works if you are brave enough to believe that you can not make mistakes - and after all if you believe in yourself. 

I am too, sometimes feel fear. Thousands of questions are whirling in my mind. Will you ever forgive me that I made you take this step that you always tried  to escape from? Will we have the chance to get together again? Will it still work? What if you simply move on? Will you not find someone else meanwhile? Will I ever be able to make up for my selfishness? What will I do if it turns out at the end that I have to go on without you?

But sometimes I feel it was a necessary step. Reading your words and your questions made me sad, but if we both have these questions, that definitely means something, doesn't it?

You wrote that you always tried to make me happy I feel guilt. I realised that I had forgotten about making you happy. I let myself fall apart and I was stucked there. I do not want to be marooned there with my desperate thoughts. I do not want to feel anger for you again. I do not want to be desperate. I do not want to be depressed. 

Taking this step somehow has taken off much weight from my shoulder. I do not feel that frustrating pressure I felt before. It helped me so far. I know that by some means or other I am just trying to dish myself. But somehow it works. I do not feel anger, sadness at the most. And I can not tell you how much grateful I am for this...

I would like to be a little crazy again. I would like to smile at the world, float above the ground, take things easy, laugh at my problems and think they are rather challenges. I would like to be happy for small things and gather as much joy and energy from them, as I can, to make my mistakes stop being mistakes and to help other people in their problems. I would like to be a whole again, like before, and - as it  becomes more and more clear for me as the days go by - give all of it to you.

I wish all the best for you,

Mary Daisy Dinkle

PS1: find five smiles and nine hugs attached. They are fresh and crunchy, I hope they will not go bad by the time you get them.

PS2: I also send you the nightingale I heard from a tree in the center last night. She was lively and lovely even in the gray, foggy weather of yesterday.